Be Still...

It had been a nightmare day, the culmination of too much to do in too little time.

And then a staff meeting that stretched to 4:30, swift walk home to make early dinner grilled cheese sandwiches and into the van at 4:55 to get to the sports store to buy a helmet and get the face mask attached, drop the happy daughter at home and be at my discernment meeting for 5:30.

I arrived on time, but did not feel prepared. This meeting, which should have been the centrepiece of my day, felt like another box to be ticked off.

I was thinking this as I headed into the house to pick up the daughter for her practice. Somehow I had missed the fact that my mom's car was in the driveway--but there she was, sitting on the couch, chatting with the girls. It was good to get a hug from her, good to have her sitting next to me in the cold arena, sharing our pride in my daughter as we watched her skating and stick handling improve by the minute.

A skype visit with my husband, conversation with my other daughter, and a vain attempt to wrest an hour of tv watching into the end of my day...I crawled to bed at 11:40 and slept.

And woke at 5.

I had talked about relaxing into God, letting go and trusting, and how so much of these past months has felt like being carried along on a rushing river. After so much tumult of the spirit in deciding to enter discernment, I now felt nothing...I was on a still pond. No wind in my sails, no sense of direction. Just a sense that my life is fraudulent, that there is an entire dimension of self that is being neglected as I move through my work. This job has come to a standstill.

And I thought/heard: Be still.............and know that I am God.

Be still, and know that I am God.

The lessons continue.